


Relationship between Father and Son

by Unknown_Art



Category: Clannad
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28846719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unknown_Art/pseuds/Unknown_Art
Summary: Tomoya comes home to find his father passed out drunk again and ends up contemplating the complicated relationship between his father and him.





	Relationship between Father and Son

As always the first thing that happened whenever Okazaki entered his home was he was greeted by that familiar stench of alcohol he had grown so accustomed too. With that awful smell infiltrating the depths of the teen's nostrils, he unconsciously started to curl his hands into fists. He had smelt that awful stench pollute the inside of his houses for years now. He had smelt it for so long that he wasn't quite sure what clean air in his house did smell like. He had smelt it so long that the stench of alcohol wafting throughout his home had practically become second nature to him.

Okazaki hated the smell of alcohol. With every passing day he smelt it he continued to despise it even more than the last. He not only hated it because of the way it tainted the air of his home, but he also hated it because it reminded him of the man he hates more than anyone else. No, I'm sorry that's not right. Hate wasn't a strong enough word to accurately describe his feelings. Okazaki didn't just hate the man no, he absolutely despised him.

Who could warrant this much hate from him? Well it was none other than Okazaki's own father. The one that was supposedly supposed to look out for him and be there to love and support him no matter what, was ironically the one he hated most in this world.

Okazaki went to the same place his father always was after he drank, the living room of their home. When he arrived to the front room he saw his father's unconscious body passed out in the middle of their living room floor like it always was after a long night of drinking his problems away.

Empty beer cans that had been a product of his father's latest drinking rendezvous littered all over the floor of his home. Half-finished alcohol bottles soaked into the old floorboards. While random knickknacks and other objects had been knocked to the floor when his father had drunkenly stumbled into them. The place was an absolute pigsty for anyone to live in, but that fact didn't seem to bother his father, or at least it didn't bother him enough to convince him to clean up his act. No, despite the huge mess surrounding them, Okazaki's father had no intention of cleaning up his act. He had chosen this newfound drunken lifestyle, because it was the only way he believed he could escape. He believed it was the only way to escape the pain and sorrow of his wife's death. If he kept drinking away his days he believed, he could escape reality just a bit longer. It would be just a bit longer that he wouldn't have to accept the truth that his wife was gone. It would be just a bit longer that he wouldn't have to confront life without the one he loved most by his side. It would allow him for just a bit longer to be able to deny the truth and pretend everything was okay and that nothing bad had ever happened.

In his darkest hour, alcohol had seemed like Okazaki's father savior from this cruel reality he lived in. So that's why he had chosen to live like this, abandoning everything else in his life and making alcohol his only source of happiness.

Nothing else seemed to matter to Okazaki's father...

Not his work... nor his own health.... and especially not his only son, Tomoya Okazaki.

To value a can of beer over his own son...

To betray his own flesh and blood for something such as simple as alcohol...

Tomoya's fingernails dug so deep into the palms of his hands that he was starting to leave marks on his skin with how much he was trying to restrain himself. Okazaki wanted to yell at that man, he wanted to scream and shout to make the man listen to him, but he knew it was no use. His father had made a choice on what was more important to him a long time ago.

His father didn't care about him; Okazaki was convinced of that.

His father never cared when he left or came back home, he could come back the next morning and his father wouldn't bat an eye or worry about where he's been. Thought to be honest, Okazaki was pretty sure his father probably wouldn't even notice or care if he never came back.

Yes, the sad fact of it all was his father was more familiar with each and every brand of brand of beer they sold at the nearby liquor stores than the life of his own son.

_God he really is a pathetic sad man isn't he?_ Tomoya reminded himself as he stared down at his father's unconscious body. Wrinkles littered the old man's face, his clothes had rips and tears in them with how worn out they were from use and his hair was completely devoid of the once dark solid color it used to be and now was just reduced to an ashy gray color. Sometimes it was hard to tell that a person still existed in his father's body, the man had merely become an empty shell of what a person used to be. He was completely devoid of any passion and life that he once had and simply performed the same robotic tasks each day to survive.

The more Tomoya looked at that man, the more and more frustrated he grew, eventually he tore his eyes away from the helpless man and quickly made his way to his room. He couldn't stand the sight of that man any longer, if he continued to stare at him he knew he would just start to act irrationally, so it was best if he left him for now.

But just as Okazaki tried to quickly make his exit, he ended up knocking into one of the many beer cans that littered their floor with his foot. The can briefly flew up in the air for a few moments before it eventually came crashing back down and created the loud clanking sound of the can crashing against the wooden floor and rolling to a stop. The loud sound of impact rang throughout the quiet home, and in turn woke Okazaki's father from his slumber.

The old man started to shift back and forth as he woke up. It took him a few moments to get his bearings, as he awoke he rubbed his eyes to get them to focus properly, but by the time he was able to turn and could find the culprit responsible for the sudden loud noise, Okazaki had vanished from sight and the only thing that remained was the empty can on the floor.

The teen exhaled a deep breath he had been unconsciously holding in after he fled the scene.

Okazaki wasn't scared of his father, but he knew far too well that it was risky to talk with him while he could still be in a heavenly intoxicated state. On the outside most people thought that his father seemed like a gentle man who was quiet and kept to himself, but they didn't know the truth about that man that laid behind closed doors. They didn't know the truth about the real kind of man his father truly was. They had never seen how violent and unpredictable he became when he was drunk. They didn't know about the fact that just a few simple drinks could turn this seemingly docile man into a terrifying monster that wreaked havoc to everything he touched. They didn't know about the fact that it had been Okazaki's own father that was the sole person responsible for injuring his right shoulder and ruining his chances of ever playing basketball again.

When Okazaki had been thrown against and his shoulder has been permanently damaged forever, the pain had definitely hurt him. He can remember how the throbbing and aching of his bones had felt like absolute hell after he had been thrown to the wall, but the physical pain wasn't the worst of it. No, the worst part of it all was that it had been his own father that had hurt him like that. The one man he was supposedly supposed to be able to rely on. The one man that was supposed to protect him from all else had been the exact same person to cause him so much grief and pain.

But you know what hurt Tomoya even more? It was the fact that his father never confronted it, he had never owned up to his actions and admitted how wrong of it was to hurt his own son like that. He just simple pretended like it never happened and kept his son at a distance from him. His father started using unnecessary formalities between them that were typically only reserved for people who didn't know each other. It's like he didn't even want to acknowledge that Okazaki was his son anymore, so he decided to just treat him as some stranger he lives with instead.

Sometimes Okazaki wondered what he hated more, when his father was unpredictable violent and angry towards him or when his father was trapped in his own world and didn't acknowledge his own son's existence. Sure when he was unpredictable violent he was likely to get more physically injured, but being treated as if he was nothing more than a stranger to his own father well... that was an entirely different pain in itself.

After Tomoya finally fled the scene and escaped to his room he abandoned his old stuffy school uniform and changed back into his more comfortable clothes. Then with nothing better to do, he laid his back against his bed and stared up at the ceiling above him.

The stench of alcohol even crept its way into his own room, there was truly no escape from it in this place, he was supposedly supposed to call home.

As he stared up at the dull blank ceiling above him, Tomoya tells himself that he hates his father. He tells himself that he hates that man with all his passion. He tells himself that he hates that man with every fiber of his soul. He tells himself that there is no way he could not despise him.

But yet at the same time as he tells himself all this, he knows deep down that is not necessarily true.

The truth of it all is that when it comes to Okazaki's father he feels conflicted about the man. He wants to fully hate him and he does hate him to an extent, but very deep down into the teen's heart there was a part of him that wanted to care about his father.

Tomoya didn't want to admit it, he didn't want to admit he secretly cared for a man he so despised. Why couldn't he hate him fully? Was it because he was his father? Was it because he was the only immediate family he had left to him with his mother gone? Was it because without his father Tomoya would have no family left to call his own? Was it because without his father he'd have to truly admit he was truly all alone in this world?

But Tomoya had already accepted the fact that his father was never going to be there for him, so why... Why couldn't he fully hate him?

Was it because despite everything that's happened between him and his father that Tomoya actually just wanted his father to care about him? Did he just want someone to look out for him? Did he want someone to be there for him no matter what? Did he just want to hear his own father acknowledge him as his son again?

Okazaki widened his eyes at those last few thoughts, what was he thinking? Wanting his father of all people to care about him? Wasn't he already fully aware alcohol had occupied the number one spot in his father's heart already? Didn't he understand how idiotic it was to expect that man to ever care about him?

He knew it was useless to ever want his father to care about him, but yet at the same time he couldn't stop the way his heart stilled longed and ached for his attention.

Why? Why did he want his father to care about him? Why did he want that poor excuse of a father to care about him? Why did he want the man he hated to care about him? Did he think he was going change? Did he believe that his father was going to magically wake up one day and admit how bad he treated him and that he was planning on starting over? Didn't he realize his father was long gone at this point? That man that lives with Tomoya was just a shell of the person he once was, he wasn't going to get his old father back. He just needed to accept that fact. Yes, no matter how much it hurt him, he needed to accept that his father was long gone and nothing would change that.

Tomoya turned to lay on his side and stared out the window next to his bed. He tried to focus on the stars in the night sky and ignore the way his heart was aching but he couldn't ignore how much this was hurting him inside. He couldn't ignore the fact that tears were dripping down his face even though he didn't want them to.

Why...? Why did it have to hurt him so much like this? Why did he need his father's own love this bad? Why couldn't he just not care about that man anymore? It would all make this so much easier if he could completely hate the man. If he could just despise him then he wouldn't have to waste any more energy on caring about him. Why the hell did he need to have the man he hates more than anyone else care about him?

He wiped the tears off his face and pulled the covers over himself. There was no use crying about this right now, it’s not like it would change anything anyway.

His father would be the same drunken man he always was and their relationship would continue to remain distant. There was nothing he could do now to change that, it was best for Tomoya to just head to bed for now, so he wouldn't have to think about that man.

Besides the sooner he heads to sleep the sooner he can wake up and escape this place for the day. Yes, that sounded like a good plan to Tomoya, find some place he could kill time for a while so he can avoid seeing his old man as much as he could. If his father wanted to keep distance from him, then Tomoya might as well comply and keep distance from him as well.

Wasn't this all just pitiful? A relationship between father and son that was always destined to be distant, it was such a cruel and sad thing fate had sprung upon them, but Tomoya had to comes to term with it. There was no use fighting it anymore, Tomoya Okazaki had to accept it.

No matter how many years past and no matter what Tomoya did, he knew the distance between the two of them would never change. So it was time to face this terrible reality head on and accept this painful relationship between father and son. No matter how much it broke Tomoya on the inside and no matter how he secretly didn't wish it ended up this way, he had to accept their relationship's fate. He had to accept that at the end of the day being distant to each other was the only thing his father and him would ever be.


End file.
